Twilight: The Good, the Bad, the Sparkly
by Willow Jade Flower
Summary: Three parts of me debate the finer details of what makes the notorious series good and bad. Fan? Hater? Whether I myself end up at each end, this will get you thinking... Unlike any debate you might have ever read.
1. A Lovely Introduction

**Willow Jade Flower:** Hiya! Whether you know me or not, I'm a sort of beginner fanfiction writer. Now, as I've been touring Twilight, the good and bad, I've noticed good arguments, bad arguments, and realized that there are subtle things in Twilight neither fan nor hater noticed that may have strengthened their argument. I myself have read all four books, watched none of the movies save the amusing How Twilight Should Have Ended short. Thus, I am going to split myself into three; **Willow**, the wholehearted Twilight fan, **Jade**, the wholehearted Twilight hater, and **Flower**, the one scratching her head on which to be.

**Jade: **Yeah, we're going to argue in this screenplay format since all we're going to do is... talk.

**Flower:** If we get the chance we'll be able to interview a few of the Twilight characters!

**Willow:** Is that possible? *excited, delighted face*

**Flower:** It's a fanfiction and an AU. Any thing is possible from here on out, including spitting an author into three people.

**Willow:** *excited, delighted face*

**Flower:** Now the reason I am going to point out Twilight's flaws this a way is that since they are all aspects of me, I won't be going into the stereotypical I tlk lk dis, yer jist jelus, EDWARD4EVA! fan, because that's just not fair to those who do put up pretty good arguments.

**Jade**: Good, because text talk is just annoying. Are they trying to spell things wrong and look like idiots? I can hardly understand half of their posts!

**Willow: **Now, now, Jade, no insulting.

**Flower:** To give you a head's up, Jade will be the angsty, depressing, crabby, moody aspect of me. Why I chose her to do the hater, don't ask. Likewise, Willow's the energetic, easily excited, mania part of me that can go running through the room as if on double the expresso. Flower, moi, will be the peacemaker. Which reminds me... NO FIGHTING YOU TWO!

**Jade:** We haven't even started!

**Flower:** Anyhoo, that will be our simple introduction into our deeper looks into the novels.

**Jade:** Sappy, vampire romance novels that -

**Flower:** By the way, Jade?

**Jade:** I know I know, I hate cursing just as much as you do! I am you, remember?

**Flower:** ...

**Willow:** ...

**Jade:** ...

**Flower: **That's going to be hard to keep track of.

**Willow Jade Flower:** ANYWAY, that is the introduction on how we'll be doing things, and both fans and haters keep an eye out! Next chapter: the characters!


	2. Bella Swan

**Willow Jade Flower: **Why hello, thanks for checking out this story -

**Jade: **Isn't this more of a critique?

**Flower: **Did you just jump out of ...?

**Willow: **Don't ask.

**Flower: **... so -

**Jade:** This is where we'll get to show you just how bad -

**Willow: **Hey! There are good parts too!

***cricket, cricket***

**Jade: **Unfortunately, there are those out there that believe you.

**Flower:** Can we move on? I - We - I have a very bad sense of humor, so let's just keep on rolling along so that we don't get flames for pointless banter.

**Jade: **I wholeheartedly agree with you, so let us start with the characters -

**Willow Jade Flower:** The good, the bad, the sparkly.

**Jade:** By the way, are we going to do that every chapter?

**Flower:** Nah, I just like saying it.

**Jade:** Characters. Where do I start? Characters are at the very top of my list of making a good book. With the book written through the characters, and because the plot is very much affected and influenced by their choices or mere existance, good characters are essential to building a well-written novel.

**Willow:** Good share, Jade. It also goes with the point of view, but we'll talk about that later. It's like in the Hunger Games - Katniss... wasn't quite the character I would root for, nor would want to experience the story through. I practically read the book for the idea and the romance.

**Jade: **And like in Percy Jackson and the Olympians, I loved the main character for his humor and his big personality. I liked the second book in the new series Heroes of Olympus more than the first just because he was there, and frankly the first one had more of the mary-sues.

**Flower:** Aren't we supposed to be talking about Twilight?

**Jade:** Getting there. Just giving examples to why characters are important, and why Twilight's SUCKED.

**Willow: **Oi!

**Jade: **Since we've been discussing examples of the main characters, I shall start by ranting about the main character of this infamous series: TOTAL MARY-SUE!

**Willow: **I beg to differ!

**Jade:** Do not get me STARTED on Isabella Swan! Heck, I hated her perfect boyfriend from the beginning -

**Willow:** Don't insult Edward!

**Flower: ***clears throat* The mary-sue: in literary criticism and particularly in fanfiction, is a fictional character with overly idealized mannerisms, lacking noteworthy flaws, and primarily functioning as a wish-fulfillment fantasy for the author or reader. It is generally accepted as a character whose positive aspects overwhelm their other traits until they become one-dimensional. (Taken from Wikapedia) OR A female character who is so perfect she is annoying OR a character who is classified as unrealistic, perfect, or without faults. She may have faults, but they are perfect faults, cliched ones.

**Jade: **Boom - matches Miss Swan perfectly. Or should I say Mrs. Swan? I mean, it's like a movie that takes place in Stephenie Meyer's imagination that fits her into a sparkly vampire's arms, only she had the nerve to write it down and ship it to the nearest publisher who's stupid enough to take the writing seriously.

**Flower:** I SHALL TAKE NO INSULTING TO ANYONE WE DO NOT KNOW!

**Jade:** Just ranting what I feel.

**Willow: **Are you calling Bella a self-insert?

**Jade:** Please. There has been arguments where people post Meyer's description of Bella and WOW IT'S LIKE MAGIC - It matches her face almost perfectly. I mean, every detail - she didn't even try to alter Bella's image a bit and give her her own character, I mean, come on! Make her hair black, or a pimply forehead, or maybe skinny like a bag of sticks? I don't know, maybe even throw in that she stutters, or is a terrible liar, or is a hopeless romantic, or maybe she has a deadly fear of dogs? She still keeps her fairy tale stories and plush animals, doesn't get along at all with her mom, screams like a banshee, and looks like an epic mess after bawling - something!

**Willow: ***huffs* She's horribly clumsy.

**Jade: ***growls* The epical one thing fans argue: she's CLUMSY. Oh, what a flaw. Only easier for her monster charming to catch her when she slips on a convienently placed banana peel. Willow, it doesn't create problems for her - only that it makes her terrible at sports. Now that WOULD be a flaw - had Meyer gone deeper with it, like Bella is sort of self-conscious or her mother is a demanding woman who wants her daughter to be the best at volleyball. Now that, I would nod in approval. Gee, clumsiness is considered today as a "perfect, cliche flaw".

**Willow: **I'll give you another one. She jumps to conclusions real quick.

**Flower: **Oh yeah... remember Jade?

**Willow: **And she can't stand the sight or smell of blood. Remember that day at school where they did that blood test thingie, and she had to go to the nurse?

**Flower: **Hmph, they do not do blood tests at school. That made me look like an idiot when I asked.

**Jade: **Those flaws would be ok... had they cause more problems. Like, real consequences. She doesn't learn from any mistakes she makes because - OH YEAH, SHE DOESN'T MAKE ANY!

**Flower: **Well, one thing that truly disappointed me after I read it was that there was no sign of character developement. No deep thoughts, no dilemnas that are mind-tearing, no looking at oneself in disgust or pride, none, zip, nada. And deep character developement is what really makes a story shoot way high in my eyes. Like in There's a Boy in the Girl's Bathroom - excellent example of true character developement and character vs. self conflict.

**Willow: **There was a part where after she turns vampire -

**Jade:** Bleh, that was just secretly admiring herself by denying that she was beautiful, like all Mary-Sues do.

**Willow: **Well, don't Mary-Sues get along with every one and is liked by everyone, and anyone she doesn't like or if anyone disliked her, they get burned to rubble or something? She didn't instantly like Rosalie.

**Jade:** The two ended up liking each other. Rosalie - was an interesting character. I think she had the best history, with transforming from this baby-desiring, rich shallow girl into a vampire, and she actually had a faint ghost of a personality.  
Back to Bella, look at her name. "Beautiful swan" my foot - how obvious can she get?

**Willow: **It's wordplay! Don't names form meanings to characters?

**Jade: **It's not thought out, nor deep. It's one-dimensinal. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde had much more fantastic wordplay.

**Willow: **Doesn't mean she's perfect.

**Jade: **No, but look at this: she's smart, she likes reading classical books, she's popular the first day of school, and like three boys like her on the go and at the same time, she offers splendid advice that made sure two of her friends ended up well, makes a nice circle of friends without a word of the outsiders, outcats, nerds, or rebels, gets on the vampire's good side, gets the perfect, gorgeous dude, and wins in the end without lifting a finger. Might I say more?

**Willow: **What about her relationship with her mother?

**Jade: **I wished Meyer went deeper. I mean, I totally understand a mother and a daughter fighting hard and to the point where they have to get away from each other, with only e-mail for any contact, but still. Relationships are another big part, right under writing good characters, to writing a good book. Meyer might have pulled that relationship off by making Bella ponder and maybe even regret or miss her mom, but she chose not to. I mean, might as well kill off the mother. Renee's just there as a shadow in the background of the gleaming, polished Bella.

**Willow: **Anyway, I want to talk about Bella's intelligence. She's obviously book or school smart, with managing to do well without Edward's help in that class in the first book, and reading classic books.

**Jade: **There's a line between "book smart", "street smart", "life smart", and "common sense". When wandering away from "book smart"... Bella's an idiot.

**Willow: **I want proof!

**Jade:** Oh yeah? My favorite: drawing her own blood to distract a vampire who _wants_ her blood from her invincible boyfriend and almost just as invincible werewolf friend, which the heroes were trying to stop. That just draws away the point of protecting her. I was confused throughout the entire scene, and it ended up that Seth was pretending to be hurt and she only ended up distracting Edward. And then, when she's all like "when I turn vampire, I won't be sitting on the sidelines anymore!" So... being human is your excuse for being a really lame, whiny damsel in distress? There are plenty of tough female humans out there, missy.

**Willow: **She's comparing herself to vampires, who has excellent speed, strength, smell, beauty and even extra powers which make humans look pretty small.

**Jade:** Meyer should've made them burn up in the sun. There are, like, no drawbacks of being a vampire save people looking at you funny when you sparkle. No wonder Bella wants to be one so bad. It might be because Bella has no backbone. I mean, acting like a zombie after her boyfriend dumps her in the forest for not being special enough?

**Willow:** Hey, that could be damaging to her self-esteem. I mean, she really loves him - he just broke her heart like that, of course she'd be acting like a heartless robot.

**Jade: **She's acting like a heartless robot because she has no life other than mooning over her perfect boyfriend.

**Willow**: You've go to admit, it was a good wake up call when she watched that movie with zombies. And the similie about her being riddled with holes like Swiss cheese was not too bad.

**Jade:** Cliche. And that reminds me of another point. Her relationship with Jacob. I was personally rooting for the guy to win her love, and I was so epically disappointed when Bella chose plastic Edward, who simpered that he left because he wanted to protect her, and would die if she died. When I read the back of the book of Eclipse, I actually thought she was talking about being in Jacob's arms. Jeez.

**Willow****: **Jade, it's love! It's powerful between Bella and Edward -

**Jade: **I know - go appearances! Go for the good-looking one, Bella, and your life will be as perfect and as flawless as his skin and breath. Allow me to go and gag.

**Willow: **Oh, and when people gripe about Bella's loving Jacob, but loving Edward more... she's saying that she loves him, but is not _in_ love with him. It's one of those parts when there are different types of love; romantic, brother/sisterly, parent/child, friendship. It would make sense for her to love Jacob dearly as a friend and closely like a brother, but she has an intimate relationship with Edward.

**Jade:** Intimaticy - EXACTLY. When Meyer's all like "I wanted love, not lust", I'm all like you are freakn' kidding me.

**Flower:** Jade...

**Jade: **Freakn's no curse word!

**Flower: **It makes you sound like a teenager.

**Jade: **I am a teenager. We all make up a teenager entering high school.

**Flower:** Good.. point, but I'm talking about -

**Willow: **Back to the conversation!

**Jade: **Right. Meyer, like, encouraged marriage and pregnancy at a young age. And turning into a vampire as a teenager.

**Willow: **But -

**Jade: **When Bella's like "I'm not that girl who marries a guy out of high school", I'm thinking, "You just proved that you were the last three books."

**Flower: **Is this an official debate or a Socrates seminar?

***cricket, cricket***

**Flower: **Sorry, school homework.

**Jade: **I'd say debate.

**Flower: **... you do realize that means making the other person look stupid, right? We're trying to make myself... wrong?

***more crickets***

**Flower: **A funny thought I had.

**Jade: **Can't breathe for laughing.

**Willow: **I thought that was funny. Ironic, perhaps.

**Jade: ...** Can we cease discussing the subject of Bella Swan? I mean, there are so many other debates out there, and I think we've covered all that those other ones did not.

**Flower: **Yeah ...

**Willow: **Le gasp! That means... we get to move onto Edward!

**Jade: **NO, EVEN WORSE!

**Flower: **Don't worry, we'll crack our knuckles and stomach through it.

**Jade: **He's the kind of dude that'd say "Faith, trust, and pixie dust - DIE DEER!"

**Willow Jade Flower: **On that happy note - please review, and stay tuned for one of the most well-known of vampires.


End file.
